I saw a copy of the Newquay News online, dated 17^th July 2016, and read this rather seasonal piece:

 

“Strangers sighted in Cornwall” writes Timo Poldark, “Various people reported seeing strangers in north Cornwall this week: –

Petrol Pump Attendant Service Station A30. “Well, I remember the car, an old Saab, loaded to the gunnels with all sorts of clobber. Think I saw a Gaggia coffee machine on the back seat. Ironic really, on such a sunny warm day having a convertible …. without the roof down …..  but I suppose the boot was as full as the back seat! There’s nowt so queer as folk – particularly foreigners and to us in Cornwall that’s the rest of the inhabitants of the United Kingdom!!”

Local map showing Crantock and West Pentire to the west of Newquay

Naomi Property Manager Cormorant Cottage, West Pentire. “We’re into the busy holiday period and we get all sorts of families coming down to enjoy the north Cornwall beaches. This lot respected the check-in time so I had opportunity to get it 100% ……. and they left it pretty clean. You should see the state of the cottage after some people leave. Maybe they live in a pigsty at home ….. Oh! Don’t get me started.”

Waitress Bowgie Inn, West Pentire. “Almost two o’clock, Saturday, when the couple came in, ordered some soup and Ratatouille with rustic bread …..  started off at a table outside in the garden overlooking Crantock Bay, but changed their mind as it was a little cool …”

Owner Crantock Village store and post office. “We get them all down here during July and August and this chap came in offered a coupon for his Times newspaper and then his girlfriend came running up with a bag of salad and there was some discussion about whether his daughter wanted blue top or green top for the morning milk. I think they bought both. Not a particularly safe walk back to West Pentire as the road’s narrow and the hedges uncut, so visibility for everyone is poor Saw them most mornings that week.”

Brian – Dog Walker. “It’s a friendly village, Crantock, and that Saturday this couple came up out of the village with their newspaper and milk, with a red Labrador, on their way to West Pentire. We chatted, their first visit down here; I told them I came on holiday 40 years ago and stayed, never regretted it for a moment. The woman said she came from Brazil and was wrapped up against the cold ….but it was about 18C!!”

Crantock Beach

Tom Ocean Flow Yoga Newquay. “We had had a couple of telephone conversations and I’d booked them in a month ago, as my studio is very small. Two hot yoga classes, the Tuesday and Thursday if my memory serves me well. I love going to a different studio and having a change of scene and their email ‘thanks’ said they had had a couple of good sessions, so maybe I’ll see them back next year.”

Waiter Headland Hotel. “At this time of year the hotel gets pretty booked but we do get the occasional group come in for supper ……. providing they’ve made a reservation ….. but actually we always sit the hotel guests along the windows in the Terrace Restaurant so this foursome had to make do with an inner table. Must have been from London, as one of them complained about the cold main. It said “Sea Bass on a bed of olive and potato salad with spinach.” He thought the spinach should have been hot. London types huh!”

Renter of cottage next to Cormorant. “Being next to a family with two young exuberant boys was always going to be a bit noisy, especially as they loved the hot tub. Their mother was good in the evening, though, and the routine of ‘supper, bath and bed’ meant that peace descended by about 6.45pm!”

Hot Tub (An inanimate object) “I like being used and fortunately the son-in-law of the chap booking the cottage knew about items like me and paid extra for my services. Most days I warmed ‘em up, adults and the two boys, got my pressure hoses working well and changed the colour of my lightning regular. Oh! And I listened to the amusing conversations they had.”

Laura, gallery owner and artist, West Pentire. “I have a sign out on the track and people drift in and out throughout the day. Tall chap came in one day, showed interest in the pottery which a friend does, but showed no interest in my paintings. Didn’t buy anything but said he might come back; he didn’t!”

Margo, Red Labrador. “I’d met them at home some time ago so was pleased to see them after I was let out of my car cage in the new place. The garden needed at least 30 minutes of sniffing just to establish who had been here before, leaving their mark, so to speak. I took a real shine to her but he’s a bit bossy, always wanting to remind me who is top dog. And when my owners went out for supper leaving them here to baby sit, I was disappointed not to be able to sit beside the dinner table and look hungry and doleful ….. and believe me I can do that really really well. Didn’t wash at all and got sent to my box! But we had some nice walks and runs on the sand, particularly on Polly Joke beach, so I guess I should have be grateful”

Weathered rocks on Polly Joke beach

Sainsburys check out girl. “You get all sorts in here at this time of year, being the only good supermarket in Newquay. They were obviously staying at a cottage somewhere and bought a load of stuff, then thought they could get it into 4 bags and an insulated one for the Cornish ice cream, fish fingers and the frozen peas – I think they ended up with 9!”

‘Head-to-toe.’ “She wanted her nails done and they had been to the supermarket so he came in too. Nice couple, chatty and all, talked about the recent referendum and we told them you couldn’t get a house down here for all the foreigners so Cornwall voted to leave the EU.” (Ed: Despite having over £1billion in grants over the last 10 years as it’s a ‘deprived’ area)

Car Park Attendant Perranporth “ Overheard them saying what a strange place my town was, full of chavs and grockles, how they had seen the most amazing sights on the beach and how gorgeous the ice cream at ‘Smithy’s’, just around the corner, was.”

Exeter garage owner. “Seemed a bit lost …. not sure whether they wanted to buy something to eat for breakfast …… overheard the woman say ….. ‘good to have got through the roadworks on the A30 near Bodmin by leaving at 0630’.They did make a Costa coffee, grabbed a packet of biscuits and half a tank of petrol and left.”

So there you have it, observations of a couple down here in Cornwall, as seen by the locals. Next week I’ll be down at the Eden Project.   Timo”

 

Summer in the UK is always effected by the weather, a national obsession. We were really lucky and only had one brief shower in the whole week. Cool(ish) and the sea temperature did not encourage swimming …… but it was a good time away with my daughter and family.

 

Richard 26^th July 2016                                         richardyates24@gmail.com

 

 

My eyes are closed in meditation. “Empty your mind, let the thoughts that come just pass through, creating no judgment or comment.” More easier said than done huh? “As you breathe in, imagine the word ‘let’; as you breathe out, ‘go’”. Or we’re told to focus on ‘So ….. Hum’. (A Vedic mantra meaning “I am that” which can be inverted ‘hum …. so’ to mean “that I am.” in Sanskrit). Ten minutes and I open my eyes, look up …….. and take in the scene.

Twenty four people, four men and …… well you do the maths …. have come to southern Portugal for a week’s yoga retreat. Each for their own reason, each with their own but common goal, to do two sessions of yoga a day for six days. For those of you who have never got ‘into’ yoga, it’s never too late, you’re never too old.

 

 

The orange trees

Quinta Mimosa lies west of Faro in the Algarve, in the hills above the little town of Almancil. The 10 acre estate contains three separate houses and pools, connected by orchards containing orange, olive and almond trees; you could simply stroll into the rough grass and pluck an orange off a tree. You could swim in your own pool or take a taxi to the nearby beach. The spacious nature of the place ensures that it feels delightfully empty and we gather at yoga sessions rather like yachts on an offshore race, converging from various directions to round a mark on the course.

The studio is in the old stable block and its heritage is apparent. Large French doors on the south side, a reed-covered ceiling and tiled floor; hooks on the wall that used to take riding tackle now hang with props for Iyengar yoga practice. The occasional ant runs across the old tiled floor …. and you hope it doesn’t come in your direction as you lie is Savasna, ready for the next posture.

 

 

We are all so diverse in what we do, if you tried to describe us for a novel you wouldn’t get the group’s coincidental nature. The research biologist at UCL, an investment banker with Lloyds, two pairs of sisters, one from Walthamstow the other from London, a civil servant from the cabinet office, the blonde running a brand- awareness Internet business, a film editor for TV footage, the doctor running a health care trust, a nanny from Thailand, an Australian Chinese, a photographer, an accountant, an operations manager of a health care company, a French woman married to a Brit, a psychotherapist ….  some with children, some single with ages ranging from 29 to 58 (apart from the author!); all drawn to Portugal in June for a week’s stretching and breathing, to improve one’s practice and so one’s health and posture.

‘Ooommmmmmmm’ – the sound resonates through my chest, as we finish our hour and a half session and just let the breath out.

Food is as one might expect, vegetarian. Actually it’s simpler that way, rather than catering for the likes and dislikes, the allergies and fads, just platters of vegetables fruits, salads and cheeses. The local supermarket is visited by those who need wine or beer to complement the gorgeous food provided by Wendy and her helpers. The routine is yoga, brunch, ‘free time’, yoga, and then a well-deserved supper. We sit at a long table by a swimming pool, the warm sun setting over the hills to the north west. Conversation flows among us, one minute strangers, the next bonded by the power of a yoga practice.

Despite three different routers, the internet provision is poor. You might think this should not matter on a yoga retreat ….. but the majority of us are wired in to emails, digital newspapers, Whatsapp, and Facebook and, between the yoga sessions, you find little groups clustered around a hot spot like wives of miners on the news of a pit collapse or some such.

Ommmm

The common threads are yoga and Paul, our teacher. Students are from three London studios where Paul teaches and over the week we exchange our own experiences of this hot yoga and why we got into it! Interesting! Some are back for their second or third year such is the uniqueness of this week.

Paul recognises that there needs to be a little levity during our practice and introduces us to ‘earthquake’ when we suddenly have to drum our feet on the floor as quickly as possible. He also takes us on a ‘walking meditation’ reminiscent of Buddhist monks; we walk slowly, silently through the orchard and around a huge ancient gnarled olive tree, round and around. I sense that northern Europeans find ‘meditation’ a little too alternative, but after a daily 10 minutes before each yoga session one begins to understand not only its benefits but also the difficulty of clearing one’s mind of the chatter – monkey mind as some people think of it.

And so the week draws to a close and thoughts turn to the normality of our lives, so distinct from these glorious self-indulgent days. Back to work, back to families, back to children, back ……. home.

After each yoga session Paul had spoken the word ‘namaste’ … and we would respond ‘namaste’. Namaste is a gesture acknowledging the soul in one of us by the soul in the other. With his desire to keep the sessions lighthearted, at the end of one he simply said: “Namaste …… motherf**kers”.  I think we’ll all be back next year!

 

Richard 15^th July 2016                                                   richardyates24@gmail.com

 

 

Thoughts came tumbling into the empty space between my ears as we walked from the car park up to the Yoga studio with Debbie, a friend who ‘has chickens’. She was explaining that chickens liked to be kept clean and if they were cleaned out every day they appeared much happier. Not sure whether I have the expertise to determine if a chicken is happy; surely a chicken looks like a chicken whether it’s happy or not – or maybe it’s not the perceived happiness of the chicken that’s the issue here …. but how the owner thinks about them? I suggested a shower would keep them clean but not sure that chickens like showers. My thoughts immediately went to a damp dark cottage crowded in by large trees in an area of Scotland that doesn’t really look like Scotland. Er? Sorry?  Well, when someone says ‘Scotland’, I think of long sea lochs, of heather-covered mountains and craggy cliffs ….. and midges …… and rain and sun …. and just a wonderfully empty place with views in every direction. The Isle of Whithorn lies in the south west of the country and is characterised by rather poor farming ….. and has no mountains! The only view from this little run-down cottage was of trees.

My stepmother liked to keep chickens, all part of the grow-your-own culture that you embrace when you move off piste. My father had developed a love for growing vegetables and soft fruit ……. and would tell of the various crops and stuff he produced, over and over again. When my daughter was quite small we  went and spent a few days up north ….. a rare occasion but I felt the need to show my father how his first grandchild was growing up. She was particularly partial to a romper suit in pink and she was at that crawling stage that we all go through. The kitchen floor was next to a sort of pantry where the swill bucket was for the chickens…..

“Why did the chicken cross the road?” “To get to the other side, for some foul reason!”

I watched my stepmother go and feed the chickens from a galvanised iron bucket that contained the scraps from her cooking; it smelt of rotting food! She would scoop out a handful and throw it into one part of the hen coop, another into a different part until she was satisfied that they had enough. She probably checked for eggs and brought them into the kitchen ……… and then started preparing our supper. I know that a little dirt is good for keeping our immune system up to the mark but I watched with horror – she made no attempt to wash her hands, just carried on getting supper ready. Offering to help was always a no-no as she didn’t rate anyone else’s ability to cook in her kitchen. Memories fade but some remain as stark as the day they became etched on the memory card – the pink romper suit was never ever the same colour after a wipe on the kitchen floor and those fingers and nails – yuk! Chickens!

Perversely I have always loved chicken and its variants – do you remember how chicken was boiled until it fell apart, the broth becoming soup? Roast Chicken was a treat at a weekend ….. then cold chicken on Monday  ….. then chicken fricassee on Tuesday ……then soup I guess!

“What came first, the chicken or the egg?” It seems that the formation of egg shell relies on a protein found only in chicken ovaries. Therefore an egg can only exist if it’s been inside a chicken!!

Eating eggs is an acquired taste – as the yolk has a certain smell that some find unattractive but at 80 calories an egg and with 13g of protein, they are good for you. You can now buy only egg whites in our local supermarket, perfect for those who want an omelette without the yolks. We had a scare in the UK in 1988 when Edwina Currie, the Minister for Health, said: “Most of the egg production in this country sadly is now infested with salmonella.” – Sales of eggs went down 60% overnight and no one ate eggs for a while!!

As a single officer in the Army, I was accommodated in the Officers’ Mess, the centre of our social life (Mess? Well some chap’s rooms certainly were but the word originates from old French where mese meant a portion of food). We had three meals a day ….. and tea and toast at teatime …. all very civilised. There was always a choice of food but one lunchtime in the ‘70s I didn’t really fancy anything on offer. I asked the waiter who was cooking that day; “Corporal Matthews Sir” Well, I liked Corporal Matthews and asked that Corporal Mathews cook me an omelette. Well the said Matthews obviously took umbrage at my turning down the other dishes he had prepared …… and cooked me an omelette containing a dozen, yes 12, eggs. It arrived on a huge platter brought in by a waiter with a great smirk on his face. The challenge was obvious!

Not sure when it started but many years ago I started having three soft boiled eggs at breakfast – every day! I hasten to add that both my good and bad cholesterol are within the limits but admit that one egg provides enough cholesterol for 62% of my daily needs!! Bit of overkill maybe, but I certainly ‘go to work on an egg’!

So there you have it, some idle scribbles about chickens and eggs, neither of which you should count ……. or you’d probably get something on your face!! And of course I hope you find these scribbles better than the ‘Curate’s Egg’ and fortunately my grandmother’s not with us anymore so I can’t teach her to …..etcetera etcetera!

 Richard 3^rd July 2016 – richardyates24@gmail.com

I took the bus as it was raining but normally I would have walked the mile or so into Brighton. Celina had given me a cluster of thick glass bulbs, pulled together with wire; it was obvious that the bulbs were designed to have a little light inside. “Go to the electrical shop just near the Theatre Royal in Brighton; they’ll help you.”

I looked them up on line. Edwards & Hope seem to have been there for ever, one of those delightful anomalies against the march of the chain stores. Having checked their opening hours I walked up to the bus stop and got on the top deck – we are always children when it comes to a double decker bus, are we not? –up in the front? I remember as a teenager taking the bus into Haywards Heath and sitting in the back of the single decker so that, when it went over a particular little humped back bridge near the Balcombe viaduct, your bum left the seat!! Such fun!

Edwards &Hope is a sort of organised Aladdin’s cave, shelves of boxes containing bulbs of different shapes, different sizes, different wattage, bayonet or screw – you name it they had it. Coils of electrical wiring in different thicknesses and colours, and of course they also had those new filament bulbs that sort of ‘glow for effect’ but offer no light for, er, reading!!

Opposite the shop was one of those city areas where the dispossessed, feckless and those fond of an alcoholic beverage at 9 o clock in the morning congregate. To a casual passer-by they are harmless, a sad reflection on the social fabric with which we live. But if they congregate opposite your shop all day long in all weathers they could be construed as a real pain, despite feeling sympathy for their lot!

This is what it’s all about!

I entered. “I need some advice please?” I asked of the chap behind the counter, unwinding the bubblewrap from around the glass bulbs. “Ah! I’ve seen one of these before …. let me go and ask Brenda.” So off he trotted and moments later Brenda appeared. I explained that Alex at Igigi had recommended them. A sort-of grimace accompanied a ‘yes I’ve fixed one of these before’. So then we discussed which shape of bulb, how the hell was it meant to get into the middle of the nest of glass bulbs and did I want colour etc. I asked whether she ran the business and her father has started it 50 years ago and yes, with ‘Auntie’ they ran it. I asked whether she was auntie’s niece or the other chap was the nephew but she got side-tracked as she dropped a lightbulb just when I was asking for a bigger wattage and Noah the Collie came sniffing around and Noah apparently often came sniffing around when there was glass on the floor and Andrew could you get the hoover, Noah keep away and this sort of went on for a while, as I asked how business was. Eventually after about half an hour we agreed the shape, colour and wattage of the bulb and Is that all? Well while I’m here I’ll have one of those fancy bulbs with the orange filament and one of this shape but not a bloody eco one as it’s from the hall loo – you switch the light on, it starts warming up, and by the time it’s bright enough you’ve done what you needed to do and you ……. switch it off! Engaging with people is such fun.

During this exchange various people came in, were served, and left, whether contented or not. One little chap came in with one of those office desk lamps, you know the one with a green oval shade often seen in 1950’s movies. It got rewired and the little chap left, very satisfied.

When I lived in Battersea, London, I frequented an independent bookshop on Northcote road run by a warm soft chap called Michael. Soft in manner not in spirit or manliness for he flew biplanes in his spare time. Once he asked me whether I had ever run a shop and I admitted no and he said pity as he had to go to Scandinavia for a wedding and he had no one to run his shop for him, Oh! I’ll do it I said, thinking it can’t be that difficult. Well we spent a day looking at the ordering system, the online bookstore, when the daily order had to be submitted and how to use the credit card machine…. and how to do the cash check at the end of the day. And a week later off he went, leaving me the keys and wishing me good luck. The day I ran the shop passed in quite a blur ….. of people coming in and buying a book, of those who simply wanted to browse, of those who wanted to read and not buy and of those who wanted advice. I do remember one man coming in looking for inspiration for a book for his son who was about to turn 12. I had no recent experience of the reading habits of a twelve year old, …….. but sold him a copy of Rudyard Kipling’s Just So Stories. You can’t beat the old ones!

But it was all about being welcoming and helpful to the potential customer – and so it was in Edward & Hope. I left thinking what a lovely shop, and so pleased that it still existed as an independent family business, just like other shops in the Laines area of Brighton.

I imagined the next day, having to go back to exchange the screw fitting for a bayonet one, they would recognise me and say Oh! You’re back. Well, I got served by Auntie, and auntie had seen so many people in the intervening period that when I explained I had been in the day before she said that no she didn’t recognise me and what did I want ………

Just some scribbles …..

Richard 12^th June 2016                                        richardyates24@gmail.com

PS I should acknowledge the writing style of James Frey here, for this PC reflects a little his continuous prose, with little punctuation. When I first read ‘A Million Little Pieces’ I didn’t like it and looked for the colons and semi-colons, not to mention the paragraphs! And now think it works well …. occasionally!!

 

 

Apart from a couple of hours in 2006 I hadn’t seen him since July 1967 when together we had marched up the steps of the Old Building at Sandhurst, he commissioned into the Royal Glosters and me into the Royal Regiment of Artillery. Having re-established contact a year or so ago, he and his wife came to stay the other week.

There is a temptation to go down the familiar route, whenever you meet a friend from long ago: “Do you remember so and so?” “No? Well let me tell you, I met him again in …….” We didn’t, thankfully, but at some point in our evening together he recollected the shared experience of being one of the officer cadets on the parade ground at the military academy. The sense of pride, of belonging, of collective consciousness ……. as one thousand young men, at the start of their adult lives, came to ‘Attention!’ as one. I mentioned this experience in PC 25 ‘A Voice’, back in November 2014; clearly I was not the only one to remember it.

March Past at RMAS 1967

He had occasionally commented on a PC. “I suppose since Sandhurst we knew you were full of sh*t ….. but I love reading your PCs. It amazes me how you can make something seemingly so mundane into a really interesting read.” Or “You know you are a very weird person, but I did enjoy your latest muse ….. you lovely nutter!”  Others of you might share his sentiments?!

“Do you know, Celina, we had this obstacle course to do, a major team competition, and one of the major obstacles was a 10 feet (3.5m) brick wall. Getting 6 people over it, with all their kit and rifles etc, required a huge amount of team work, understanding and technique.” And the physically stronger ones helped the weaker members of the team, I thought, because in other situations and faced with different obstacles it could easily be the other way around. In real life there will always be those who think about finding a ladder, hiring a crane, building a scaffold …….. but back then time was of the essence. I’ve thought subsequently, is this ‘wall’ a metaphor for life, that to get on, to achieve, to succeed, it’s best to do it with others (actually a ten foot wall is impossible to get over without help)?

We didn’t talk much about other aspects of our two years together, didn’t mention the granite-faced Sergeant Cameron of the Scots Guards who threatened to rip your arm off for some inadequacy on the drill square, of the first field exercise in December called appropriately Gravedigger, or indeed of the miles we walked over the Brecon Beacons in South Wales – in all weathers, but being together it was if we had met last week, with no 49 years in between!

You see it in programmes about recruits for the police, for students at University, for those who want to join one of the military services; a shared experience, often one involving adversity, mental or physical challenge, will unite those students, developing a corporate purpose, a sense of collective responsibility. The schools and universities in the UK often have a Combined Cadet Force, a quasi-military organisation that helps individuals develop into mature adults and my chum had had a huge hand in bringing the national structure into the C21st. Wonderfully he confirmed that the change these units make in individuals and the values they instil underline their importance, just as the experiences we had so many years ago did. Good to hear! Of course there are those who lead naturally and those who follow, either out of curiosity or duty. Putting individuals through tough training will always bring out the best in people and that knowledge and experience will travel with them their whole life.

During the course of our twenty four hours together the subject of sailing came up and I recounted a tale of my own experience, one that is as fresh today as it was 37 years ago. The two of us hadn’t shared this particular experience, but those who did will remember it for the rest of their lives, I think? A tour of the D-Day WW2 battlefields in Normandy was bookended by sailing out and back to the UK on a 43ft yacht. Our return was slightly delayed by a gale in The Channel, and it wasn’t until 0215 that we left Trouville, just South of Le Havre. Mooring in France often involves an anchor and, as we left the harbour, the crew struggled to fit it into its stowage up in the bow. With reefed sails we cleared the immediate breakwater and set a course for the Isle of Wight; it was still blowing hard from the north east and a lot of spray came over the bow. Down to leeward was Arromanches, a shallow and rock-strewn coast.

 

Trouville sur Mer is on the coast almost due south of Le Havre

I was just about to give the helm to another crew member when one of the women called from below, to say that there was a lot of water over the cabin floor!! Rushing below, I saw that the whole of the floor was awash. We started pumping! Everyone looked at me, as skipper, to think/say/act! My brain went into overdrive: Think! Think! Think! I checked our position on the chart, told the man on the helm to heave to, and thought about life jackets and how the life raft was stowed. Why were we taking on water? Where was it coming in? Two of us went up to the bow, to check the anchor stowage. It was in a bad place and a bad design; if you got it slightly wrong …. water came in. And so it was! Refitted snuggly we were watertight. Relief all around!! Hours later the wind died away completely and we motored into The Solent and moored up.

Most of my character-building experiences seem to have been during my military service but that character has, in the main, allowed me to cope with the obstacles of life when they’ve appear. Funnily enough I overheard the team leader of the guys who delivered the large fridge freezer a fortnight ago tell a junior member: “Obstacles? Just work your way around them” and I was reminded of Ernie Zelinksi. In his book “The Joy of Not Working” he says of obstacles and creative people:

“They realise many new obstacles will appear regularly, but they also realise there is a way to overcome virtually all obstacles. When one appears, creative people will figure out a way to eliminate it. If they can’t get over it, they will go under it. If they can’t go under it, they will go around it. If they can’t go around it, they will go through it. With all these options, there is no need to worry about obstacles.”

I think he’s right! Oh! And it’s great to relive our shared experiences with chums.

Richard 29^th May 2016                                        richardyates24@gmail.com

When we moved into our large apartment in the completely renovated Amber House here in Hove, there was little storage, so we had to be quite ruthless in what we kept. Somehow I was not quite ruthless enough and I am still sorting through stuff, knowing that I really should have another clear out soon. In the kitchen part of our living room, there was space to put bar-type stools underneath the ‘island’, next to the wine cooler. We didn’t really want the latter, and didn’t think we would use the former, sitting up to eat when there was a perfectly good table close by! And where was the ‘man drawer’? Within a few weeks the space had a new cupboard with three drawers; two for trays, table mats etc and the top one for my drawer.

I don’t think I ever called said drawer a particular name but here in the UK it’s become an essential part of how we males live, a place to put things. What things you might ask, especially if you haven’t yet developed such a cache of treasures? Well, I opened the drawer and saw:

An out-of-date Southern railway train timetable (2013) So why is it still there?

A meat hook

An old measuring tape made out of paper – now that’s quite special

An old wooden expandable ruler ie measuring device but in Imperial units

A new steel measuring tape – up to 3.5 metres

A nifty small ratchet screwdriver with changeable heads

A cord to put around the sidepieces of reading glasses to hang around your head – but no glasses. So if you can find the glasses, useful!

Actually some glasses for watching 3D films – only used once, but you never know when you might need them again

Talking of glasses, a pair of reading glasses left by a lunch guest

A small tub of Orchid Fertiliser

 

My Man Drawer

One of those Swiss Army Knife types – this one with its own smart leather holder, and yes, it has one of those gadgets for removing the stone from a horse’s hoof.

A real authentic Swiss Army Knife – red! (Probably made in China)

My Brighton & Hove City Council Bus Pass (Ah! You cry. Now I know what a man drawer is!)

An open pack of red and blue drinking straws – half used, and the remainder keep leaving the plastic bag.

Spare Christmas Tree fairy light bulbs – although I really am not sure whether they are for the current three sets or for some other set, long discarded.

A small, beautifully manufactured LED torch – with batteries that work

A rather old, well-used little purse

A box of matches

Theatre tickets for a show at the Theatre Royal Brighton in June

A half used pack of Thank You cards

A booklet of daily vouchers for The Times and Sunday Times

A half full tube of sparklers

A User Guide for our BT Answering Machine, which doesn’t tell us how to change the day – the machine message gives a day three days ago!

Some yellow paperclips

A bag full of different rubber bands – the purple ones come from packets of Asparagus bought in Waitrose, the brown taken off the bundle of post

Talking of Waitrose, some green tokens given with change which you’re meant to put into some plastic box for a good cause. Mine seem to end up in my pocket, and are then transferred to the ….. man drawer. I must put them in their proper place.

I can’t throw away string – so the ball of string in the man drawer manages to unwind all on its own and wrap itself around …..

Keys. Spare apartment keys, car keys, a key for the green Council wheelie bin given by Joe, a key for the padlock for the ladder tucked away in the Bike Shed – probably rusted through as the salt air here is extremely corrosive

Biros and highlighters – green and red should you be wondering

Four bits of wire that came wrapped around some new gadgets’ power cable ….. and might come in very useful sometime

A little plastic oval with ‘Perfect Egg Timer’ written on it. You’re meant to put it into the boiling water and it’ll turn a certain colour when the eggs are ready. Often of course an egg will crack, a little white will escape and you can’t see to the bottom of the saucepan.

Looking at the photograph you might be reminded of Kim’s Game? Nothing to do with Kim Kardashian, the game was invented by Rudyard Kipling for his creation Kim, to develop his capacity to observe and remember details, during his training as a spy! He wrote the novel Kim in 1901 and the game is still played by Scouts and Guides all over the world to this day.

The blue cord, bottom central, is a lanyard for a sailing knife, complete with a shackle key. Even did the whipping myself!

Then there’s one of those security code generators for online banking

Rolls of Trebor Extra Strong peppermints

‘The Conservatory’ (did you spot the card?) is a lovely Aladdin’s Cave type emporium selling plaster urns, garden statues, furniture, lights of every shape and size, a plastic blow-up Elvis and shark heads, pink pigs galore. Mick who runs it is a treasure himself!

So this is really a whole bunch of scribbles but it might make you smile and for those male readers, tempt you to go and have a look at your ‘Man Drawer’?

Richard 18^th May 2016                                        richardyates24@gmail.com

PS My daughter has her own version of a man drawer; it’s a wooden cupboard designed for papers, maps, architectural drawings or some such. From memory she has 6-8 drawers – and everyone is absolutely full with ……

PPS Did you spot the gorilla in the drawer? The cutlery divider put to a different use.

 

I grew up to believe in the art of the possible, and developed an attitude of ‘I can do this’ as opposed to ‘I can’t do this.’ I thought about the issue, worked out some options and maybe even tried a few. (There were parallels in the ‘military appreciation’ which was either done in the heat of battle on the back of a fag packet or more formally, taking account of all the factors and coming up with options*.) You found out what worked as, sure as eggs are eggs, something will. Recently I have come up against the insidious development of the anti-culture, of the ‘can’t do’, ‘not my problem’, here in Britain and I find it very very sad …. and actually a worrying development in a country which historically has been one for invention experiment and possibilities; now we have the art of the impossible.

Our relationship with the landlord of Amber House is now very much a working one, and we get things done. For instance, I realised that if a lightbulb in the communal lights went, it tripped the electrical circuit board and that needed to be reset. That required an electrician to be called out as the cupboard was always locked! Oh and the electrician was need to change the light bulb! So we got the system redesigned, so that a dying light bulb did not trip the system and we also got a key to the cupboard. So I thought, well, the next step is to change the offending light bulb ourselves. As it’s a communal light bulb, it’s covered by the landlord’s insurance and as I don’t work for the landlord I’m not covered. Ok! I can cope with that. “But you haven’t had ladder training.” This of course is the outcome of the Health & Safety at Work Act 1974. No doubt there was a need to tighten up some of the regulations about safety where people worked, reducing the deaths and injuries that occurred, but this ‘catch all’ act is being used to stifle our humanity. I say ‘humanity’ because, for instance, policemen have been prevented from jumping into a canal to save someone who’s fallen in …….. because it’s not part of their job, that it requires specialist training.

I explained that in 2004 I had climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge …… and to do that you have to have, inter alia, ladder training! You are also breathalysed, have to remove anything that could be dropped or fall off, and wear a prison-style boiler suit, but I digress. Seemingly this wasn’t enough! Then a neighbour who has the same sort of attitude as me said that he, as an employee of British Telecom, had been trained to ‘climb a ladder’. I can sense you’re smiling, wondering how difficult it is to climb a ladder and you would be right. Surely the only question is: “Do I lead with my right or left foot?” So the landlord supplies me with spare light bulbs, I climb a short ladder, and we don’t call out the electrician.

I tried to get agreement from the landlord to cut the communal grass, as I think I would take more care than the contracted company, and I care. As I do not own the grass, I am not covered by the insurance and ……. can’t do it!

Now we come to what really got my goat. Living in one room, a room where we cook, eat, and relax, I suppose you could call it a ‘living room’ (!) the noise levels of domestic appliances are quite critical. The kitchen was already in place when we bought the apartment, complete with an American-style fridge freezer – with water dispenser and ice maker. I had arrived! I loved it although was a bit concerned of the noise level of the fan. Out of warranty, I had it replaced; I had it replaced 6 months later and again another six months after that – “Well, it’s not that bad and they are all like that” the engineer says as he leaves. Enough; my decibel app measures the noise as 75 db (advertised 43db!!) so the Lamona had to go. I eventually ordered a Samsung fridge freezer from Curry’s, a national retailer supplying TVs, domestic appliances, computers etc etc; Samsung have a reputation for quiet machines!! We discussed with Idis at Curry’s whether the 8 steps up to the front door of Amber House presented a problem and he said he didn’t think so but to be on the safe side he added a note to that effect – suggesting three people were needed (Note: these fridge freezers weigh about 130 kgs) I paid an extra £19.95 (why wasn’t it £20?) to have it delivered in the afternoon.

Tessellated steps up to Amber House

So I waited. The doorbell rang. Knowhow, Curry’s delivery company had arrived; a good start! But then the two guys said they didn’t know how they would get it up the steps – “Oh! Yes. The paperwork says three chaps are recommended but the manager ignored it, obviously!” “Don’t you have some tackle on your van for helping lift/manoeuvre heavy items?” I come back to my ‘can do’ attitude; if I was a delivery man I would take pride in the fact I could delivery what I have to deliver, even if it meant having gear to assist me. That saying “More than my job’s worth mate!” came to mind. But this couldn’t have been the first time? Could I help you? “Nah! mate. Not insured.” They then moved into the world of the ridiculous; they could ‘deliver’ it onto the pavement – at which point I got uncharacteristically angry and asked them to leave.

John Lewis said the same, the delivery company couldn’t promise …..

So I found a local company who were Samsung dealers – delivery is tomorrow. I showed them the photograph of the steps. “Not a problem; we’ll have enough people to do that.” (A ‘Can Do’ attitude huh?)

And then I went back to Curry’s to get a full refund; “3-5 working day, mate. (everyone seems to be ‘mate’; over-familiarity or what?). It’s the banks, innit!” To add insult to injury, Curry’s asked me to complete an online survey on ‘how we did?’ ‘How was your recent experience with Knowhow? Rate 0-10 ‘0’.’On a scale of 0-10, with 10 being fantastic, how would you rate your experience with our Knowhow delivery drivers? ‘0’. To help us improve our service proposition (what does this mean?) please could you advise us of the reason for cancelling the order? ‘You couldn’t deliver it!’

Time for tea and toast.

Richard 2^nd May 2016                                                                             richardyates24@gmail.com

*For those of you with some military experience, ‘two up and bags of smoke’ often seemed to be the answer!! If, dear Reader, you have no idea what I’m scribbling about, ask me.

 

In the last few days we managed, unplanned but actually delightfully, to eat out on three consecutive nights. You might think that this is a simple reflection on the social whirl in which we live here in Hove, but you would be wrong. We, I suspect like most people, eat out occasionally – it just happened that this time the evenings out were all bunched up together.

The local Ristorante Italiano, Orsino’s, is actually run by an Iranian, as is its sister restaurant, Otello’s, across the street. Not the same Iranian, but a relative; rumour has it some years ago a few staff at Otello’s walked across the street to open up a new place in competition! Some lovely neighbours, having decided they were done with having people for supper at home, asked us to join them for a meal at Orsino’s. Ramin, the manager, was able to be as obsequious as the ubiquitous Italian manager, but after the expected small talk returned to entertaining a couple of Iranian female models. The small-of-statue waiter Cassio was out of central casting, but we had, as expected, a good meal. Do you know, you can still have Insalata Tricolore in 2016, here in Hove? The offer of a complimentary glass of Grappa, or was it Limoncello (?), was graciously declined and we walked home down Albany Villas.

The UK’s Green party’s manifesto encourages the development of a local economy. In their warped sense of moral righteousness they envisage us driving cars made in a local factory, the cars running on petrol from a local oilfield, the pedals operated by feet wearing shoes made from local leather etc etc (Forgive me, I might be a little mean and selective here!). Sadly, like most idealistic endeavours, they failed to live up to their published dreams when they ran the City Council, and it came to the commissioning of the latest structure in Brighton – the BA i360, a 160m tall observation tower which will open this summer. All of the manufacturing was made on continental Europe, either by the Dutch steelwork specialists Hollandia or by the glass company Sunglass of, er, Italy. It’s also, I guess, a rather stark reflection on the UK’s dwindling manufacturing capability.

Not so ‘Isaac – at’, a restaurant in the North Laines area of Brighton (www.isaac-at.com). Personally the name is just on the too clever side of clever (particularly when you email info@isaac-at.com! (just read it aloud.) but I heartily support their aim, to provide food and drink that is sourced as locally as possible. For those of you who live in countries renowned for their wine, watch out. The sparkling Brut that preceded dinner and the Horsmonden Dry Davenport 2013 both came from Sussex vineyards and were apparently delicious. The menu is only decided when Isaac has been out and about, finding what he can: this evening for example it’s cuttlefish (from Newhaven) and Cucumber (from Chichester).

And it’s a little like a staged play, we the punters merely enjoying the creations of the chef artists. A ‘tasting menu’ was the offing, but even that was preceded by a little appetiser – a smoked salmon creation that tasted like a smoked salmon sandwich without the bread. The starter was asparagus, egg yolk, pork scratchings and scurvy cress  …… and so it went on, creation following dish, small, simply beautifully presented and unctuous. Occasionally the chef’s imagination ran away with itself …. “…. and it’s finished with the mist from steaming Kale.” Er? Really? Why? Highlights were poached cuttlefish with a smoked apple puree …… and a desert of chocolate and lavender ice-cream.

poached cuttlefish with Bok Choi, smoked apple and cauliflower puree

We have dear friends who aren’t the greatest cooks on the planet and it’s recognised by them and us. One memorable ‘apple crumble’ was so hard that rumour has it it went into the footings for a fence post after we had all tried to eat it. They have had suppers with us and if there is anything as ‘our turn’ so it was. We offered to bring along some of the food (‘once bitten twice shy’ you might say), an offer greedily accepted, Oh! and we should help in its cooking …… and we had a great evening, no hassle, no pressure, just four people enjoying each other’s company. We drove back rather later than planned, a lovely Buttermilk Yellow moon, just off full, hanging in the night sky above the South Downs. April can be a month of changeable weather in England and the temperature outside was only 2°C. By the time we got down to sea level, the northerly wind was screened by the hills and at home the temperature had reached a balmy 6°C!!

So different from the evening before and the evening before that – and each in its own way memorable, sharing food with people you love. And tonight? Just the two of us, so we’ll probably look in the fridge, look in the cupboard and concoct something; you can probably guarantee it will be what we want!!

More scribbles ……..

Richard 28^th April 2016                                       richardyates24@gmail.com

 

London Gatwick Airport North Terminal. Wednesday afternoon in April. What are all these people doing, where are they all going? Judging by the coats and scarves all are off somewhere cool, although the extra clothing may simply reflect the rainy weather outside. What I can never get my head around is that this number of people, from everywhere within a radius say of 100 miles, are here today, just like the similar number who were here yesterday and will probably be tomorrow; we just happen to be seeing them today ….. as we join them on a short break.

We got here two hours before the advertised departure time as the traffic was slight; never want to be stressed before I fly! So now we sit, temptation at ever glance; for instance – ‘world duty free’ – but how do you know if it’s a good deal or not? You know from your local bank that their currency exchange rate is worse than the travel agent along the street, and they tell you that the rates at the airport are dreadful. So we continue to sit, wondering about a cup of coffee, people watching – families with children, the elderly in a special area as if they need protecting from the unseemly rabble, people in business clothes contrasting with those in shorts and flip-flops. I am not a shopper, hate ‘shopping malls’, but when I have time to kill I wander into shops I would not normally visit  – Jo Malone, Swatch, WH Smiths, ‘Duty Free’, Boots, Dixons – with its confusing display of every available new technology known to man. It goes on; Pret a Manger, Sunglasses Hut, Estée Lauder and the other scent outlets – eventually having tried them all you smell like some third rate brothel.

“Last call for passengers Brian Walker and Louise Br..w ..te, flying to Lanzarote with Thompson Holidays, please make you way as quickly as possible to Gate 201 where your aircraft is waiting to depart.” The airport tannoy can be loud and intrusive …… and unintelligible sometimes!

Last call to the loo for me as I’m in the middle seat and the loo is the end of the aisle. I resist drinking too much water as I’ve sat on board after take-off, looking at the illuminated seat belt sign, praying it will be turned off and I can dash to the loo – and the more you look at it, the longer is seems to stay on. On a short break you can make do with one ‘carry on’ but I’m pleased it has wheels.

A coach out to the aircraft and we load. When flying became affordable for all, luggage went in the hold, passengers embarked and were seated quite quickly. Nowadays it takes 20 minutes or so, as people struggle to lift their ‘cabin baggage’ into the overhead lockers and when they’re putting it up there, they’re blocking the aisle! Some bags are just too big; so how were they allowed on? I get the advantages of not having hold luggage, as we didn’t, and on EasyJet they charge you for each piece of hold luggage, but the time saved in loading the aircraft with passengers would easily offset the time waiting for your bags at the other end. We take off, a little late due to the aforementioned problem!

After two hours plus we start our decent and touch down, that little squeal of rubber touching concrete the sound of ‘relief’. If you didn’t go to the loo on the flight because of the trolley blocking the aisle, now is the time. Before or after passport control? ‘After’ you decide …… and then find the cleaners have closed it off. And at the ‘Ladies’ the queue is snaking out onto the concourse!

We grab a taxi to the Sabóia Hotel in Monte Estoril, dump our bags and walk off to the nearest restaurant for supper with Celina’s brother and sister-in-law. Back in the hotel, we’re on the top floor; it’s windy on this coast most of the year and there’s something on the roof that bangs and scrapes all night. And the loo seat wouldn’t stay up!! To my female readers this doesn’t mean anything. To us males, you need a hand to hold one’s appendage and if the seat doesn’t stay up, another to hold it up! You could always sit down I suppose.

On our second night we ate in Cimas, a Irish Manor House replica from the 1940s; the current family have owned it for over 50 years. Old hunting prints and social cartoons cover the walls – one entitled: ‘A Day Trip to Brighton’! Home from home you might say! Portuguese waiters attend, I think, the same school as the Italian ones. They are all male, all over 50 and all impeccably well mannered. Good grub too!

I sat on the 6th floor balcony on a white plastic chair in the weak morning Spring sun, looking at the view. To the west, my right, the old town of Cascais and its modern marina denominated the view. The wind was strong and the tops of the waves of the Atlantic were whipped into a fine spray. To my left, far away on the shimmering sea, I could just make out the lighthouses guarding the entrance to the Tagus River and the Portuguese capital city, Lisbon.

Short breaks are, er short and suddenly we’re in the taxi returning to the airport. It’s Friday evening and the European school holidays are coming to an end; the airport is crowded, people finding food or running to get to their gate in time. Easyjet post their departure gate and we join the queue; we’re still in the queue when the scheduled departure time comes and goes, with no apology! We board, we taxi and we wait, another queue (!) Half an hour before midnight we touch down at Gatwick and taxi ……. and taxi ……. and taxi …… 15 minutes to find a parking slot (a little like finding a parking spot for your car on a Friday evening in busy Hove!). You have to have the patience of a saint. I join the small queue for the ‘eye recognition software’ passport control; fortunately I’m recognised and ‘in’. Off to call the car parking valet service, and find that my iPhone battery has suddenly decided to show ‘10% remaining’!! We get the car and head home; a refreshing couple of days in a different country. Just a short break, just a short scribble!!

Richard 21^st April 2016                                       richardyates24@gmail.com

PS If you think I have a fixation about knowing where the loos are, you’re right. One of those irritating physical aspects of middle age!!

For those of you old enough to go to the cinema in 1976, you may remember a film called “Marathon Man” with Dustin Hoffman and Laurence Olivier? If not, rent it! Following the murder of Babe Levy (Hoffman)’s brother, ex-Nazi Szell (Olivier) believes that Babe was given information about a diamond-smuggling operation that Szell is running. His henchmen grab Babe when he is out running, and handcuff him to a …… dentist chair. Szell had a reputation as a torturer in the war and applies his skills to one of Babe’s teeth cavities, using a dental probe. At this point most people in the cinema couldn’t watch and cover their ears to the screams of Hoffman. Did I suggest you rent it? Maybe not!

We are always urged to clean our teeth more regularly, more efficiently and if there is one area of dental hygiene that has improved it’s here; or maybe as I get older I recognise more and more how critical this is. The ordinary tooth brush now comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes or you can use an electric one. Both need the brush replacing regularly or they begin to look at though you clean the dog’s food bowl with it. Clearing food from between our teeth has become much easier, but if you leave it for too long, you get that slight whiff of rotting food when you do – disgusting! I should follow Celina’s example and clean my teeth after every meal but, except after eating spinach or pineapple, rarely do. Tooth picks, floss, interdental brushes, mouthwash and now the electric ‘AirFloss’ assist. Diligently use this latest gadget and you feel you’ve been to the hygienist, but haven’t paid £55 for the privilege! And if you floss, please do NOT do it in public at the dinner table (See PC 38 March 2015).

As the King’s Fund, a London-based Health pressure group, says of the changes taking place: “Sadly the lower socio-economic group and those less educated have not been giving up unhealthy behaviours as fast as the rest of the population and this does not bode well for our future.” Smoking tobacco, for instance, is bad for your teeth and for your gums. It doesn’t cost a great deal to look after your teeth, but if you need treatment, you need money. If you can afford it, you can look after your teeth.

There has been much discussion here in the UK about a tax on sugary soft drinks as one way to combat growing levels of obesity and diabetes; the government has just announced it will impose such a tax in 2018. But we don’t help ourselves, do we? The modern coffee houses like Starbucks and Costa, visited by 20% of the population every day, sell some concoctions that contain 24 teaspoons of sugar – three times the recommended daily intake in one drink. The ubiquitous Jamie Oliver went to Mexico where the poor quality of drinking water has caused villagers to only drink Coca Cola; the result has been a huge rise in Diabetes and tooth decay. Oliver’s TV documentary was a sad reflection on modern life. Children as young as 5 are having rotten teeth pulled out. In the UK projected costs to cover diabetes and dental decay could overwhelm the National Health Service (NHS) budget.

And here’s the funny thing. When the UK’s NHS was set up in 1948 it was trumpeted as ‘free for all, free at the point of delivery.’ Not everything is free; people are expected to pay towards the cost of their dental and optical treatment, and towards the cost of their prescriptions, except if you’re pregnant or under 18. So it is possible to get limited dental cover on the NHS, but it’s very restricted and any treatment needed is not free; only some £3.8bn per year is set aside to cover dentistry, from an overall budget of £116bn. When I mentioned this to the Practice Nurse at my local Doctor’s surgery, she said she didn’t go to the dentist as she knew she would need treatment, and couldn’t afford it. Maybe the old man on the bus was in a similar situation. But couldn’t he have had dentures, those revolting things that people kept in some Sterident beside their bed overnight? Maybe they are no longer available such is the advances in implants etc.

The advances in techniques may explain the huge increase in cosmetic dental work. Braces are now ‘normal’, often for adults as well as teenagers. Implants have become routine if you have the money, and the variety of claims for toothpaste seem never ending. It was ever thus. At school in the last century I regularly sent an empty toothpaste tube to Colgate as the box said: “if you don’t notice the difference, money back guaranteed.” Who could really tell?  Today the same company claim ‘maximum cavity protection whitening plus sugar acid neutralisation’ – wow! We do need to accept that teeth are a natural part of us and as such will rarely be too uniform and level. It’s so obvious when someone has had too much cosmetic work; their teeth no longer look natural, the smile is so synthetic; pity, I think.

A natural look?

When you meet someone for the very first time, you instinctively look at their eyes. If these are friendly, you look down the face to the mouth, to a welcoming smile. So teeth are important in making that good first impression huh? I had a client who mumbled when he spoke, didn’t open his mouth to enunciate the words well – and you know what? They were ashamed of their teeth, all crooked and not too clean. Three months and a few hundreds of pounds later, they were a different person, projecting their personality and ability with confidence!

So it does matter, it matters enormously; smile with confidence, laugh with love ……. and if you can, keep paying your dentist for those check-ups.

Richard 10^th April 2016                                        richardyates24@gmail.com