After the seriousness of my last two postcards, one dealing with Sepsis (PC 334) and one with Coercive Controlling Behaviour in relationships (PC 335), I feel this week I have earned a couple of hours relaxing in the Hope Café.

In his “An Essay on Man” Alexander Pope (1688 – 1744) wrote:

‘Hope springs eternal in the human breast;

Man never is, but always to be blest.

The soul, uneasy and confined from home,

Rests and expiates in a life to come.’

….. suggesting that people will always be optimistic and think that something better is coming. Actually I think today is a good day …. as Pooh would say!

So on Tuesday I popped in to The Hope, late in the afternoon, as Sami had texted me to say he was out for lunch but could meet up. Susie’s Aunt Libby is with Josh and looks as though she’s enjoying herself! Probably never imagined that in her 60s she would be acting as a barista in a coffee shop, but why not, I thought.

I went up to the counter. “Have you heard from Susie? Did she get to New Zealand OK, as it must be three weeks or more since she flew out?”

“Hello Richard. Yes she landed in Christchurch and then got a lift down to Dunedin. This is the Town Hall:

She spent a week there and has managed to find a job in Queenstown, working as a chalet girl during their skiing season. That starts in mid-June so she’s currently exploring Fjordland on the west coast. Here’s a good photograph of that wild and moody place, Milford Sound:

“Wow! That’s very dramatic. I mentioned to Susie before she went that I have lots of relatives scattered over the two islands. Michael Jones, who was an enormous help in the setting up of the first Nation Reunion in 2011 in Auckland, emailed to say he’d enjoyed PC 332 and that I should pass his telephone number to Susie, in case she needs any assistance during her time in North Island. Could you send this?” and I passed over his details, just as Sami comes through the doors. “Would you make me a double espresso and bring it over please?” 

Sami askes me about my chat with Lisa; I tell him what I had learned about Coercive Behaviour before I had spoken to her and how she’d given me a pretty horrific example of it in real life.

“When you came to dinner Lisa had said she’d sited it as the reason for her divorce, although when we spoke she talked about never sharing a house with Andrew. I am confused!”

“As I understand it, Andrew insisted on them getting married, as that gave him greater control over her. Despite getting married in a registry office in Derby in 2007, he actually pursued a rather open relationship.”

I have found so many news items about this (Note 1). For example, in 2016 Luke and Ryan Hart, due to go abroad for work, persuaded their mother and sister to leave the family home where their father had used fear of retribution to control the household for decades. Two days later the father found his wife and daughter and killed them both, before turning the gun on himself.

In 2019 a woman became the first to be prosecuted under the new law. Sentenced to 7 years in prison, Jordan Worth subjected her boyfriend 22 year old Alex Skeel to psychological and emotional abuse. “The hospital told me that I was 10 days away from death.”

There was good news too. Back in 2010 Sally Challen killed her 61 year old husband Richard having suffered years of controlling and humiliating abuse and was sentenced to life for murder. With the new law on the Statute Book, in 2019 the Court of Appeal was able to quash her conviction and replace it with the lesser charge of manslaughter. Reflecting time spent in prison, she was released.

Libby brings my coffee and offers another Milford Sound photograph from Susie:

Just as Sami and I are looking at our diaries to see when we might next share some conversation over a coffee in The Hope, Duncan the manager comes in. After a few minutes talking to Josh and Libby he comes across, looking very pleased, as if he’s just won the Lottery.

“Hi guys. All OK?” and without waiting for an answer continues “I have some great news. You remember dear regular Edith (See PC 278 Refuge April 2022) and how we had heard that she’d died?”

“Yes lovely woman …

“Well, I had a call from the solicitor dealing with her will and its bequests and delightfully she’s left The Hope Café £5000, saying The Hope gave her enormous pleasure in the last few years of her life.”

“Wow! That’s amazing! What a lovely gesture! How do you think you’ll spend it?”

“I have been discussing with our landlord, who happens to own the building next door, and she’s agreed we can combine the two premises. Teresa’s Brazilian deli business hasn’t been doing that well and our ‘Talking Thursdays’ are very popular, so we have a plan to take the dividing wall down ……

“It’ll cost more than £5000 don’t you think?”

“Of course! But already people who use The Hope have asked whether they can help. An architect’s volunteered to do some structural calculations for free, Jimmy of Wadsworth Plastering has said he’ll do any plastering at cost and others will come forward I’m sure. When it’s all finished we’ll put a little brass plaque on the wall next to Edith’s usual table: ‘Edith Tadstein 1935 – 2022’.”

Can’t wait!!

Richard 26^th May 2023

Hove

www.postcardscribbles.co.uk

PS Until April 2022 to divorce in the United Kingdom you needed to state compelling reasons for a judge to agree the marriage was not working and should end. Inevitably this led to unnecessary recriminations and hurt. Now the concept of a ‘No Fault’ divorce has become possible.

PPS The late, great Tina Turner said: “The older you get, the more you realise it’s not what happens – but how you deal with it.” And boy she should know!

Note 1 Improving our understanding of ‘coercive controlling behaviour’ has meant Celina now believes it was a factor in one of her best friend’s life.

So much enjoyment in my life comes from interaction with other people, be they family, friends, mere acquaintances or even complete strangers. Meeting people in the Hope Café here in Hove has been, and I trust will continue to be, interesting and rewarding. A year after I had started talking to Sami Gupta, who had been made bankrupt by the Post Office scandal (see PCs 235 and 271), he introduced me to a woman he had met on a tour of the Indian Mutiny sites in November 2022 (see PC 309). Lisa Wallace lives in Folding Over Sheet, up in the Derbyshire Peak District, and is a writer.  

Celina and I had them both over for supper in March (PCs 329 & 330) and Lisa had mentioned that a couple of years ago her now ex-husband left for a new life with his secretary! Charmingly she had defined his actions as a cliché but you could tell by the way she had said it there had been some serious issues. Later she admitted siting his coercive behaviour in her divorce action and I made a mental note to find out more.

Lisa is currently at home working on an assignment so before I spoke to her by WhatsApp, I wanted to get up to speed with the issue that in the last decade has become main stream and rightly so.

In 2015 ‘Coercive Control Behaviour’ was defined in law as when a person with whom you are personally connected repeatedly behaves in a way which makes you feel controlled, dependent, isolated or scared. Sadly there are many examples of how this plays out, from isolating you from your friends and family, controlling how much money you have and how you spend it, monitoring your activities and your movements, repeatedly putting you down, calling you names or telling you that you are worthless, threatening to harm or kill you or your child etc etc. Those charged with coercive control will be guilty if, for instance, they knew or ought to have known that their behaviour would have a serious effect on you.

Lisa knows that I spent two decades assisting people to sort out what was inside their heads in a coaching capacity, so is not surprised by my first question:

 “So, Lisa, can you tell me more about yourself?”

Well, I was born in 1976 up here in the Peak District. My parents were both teachers and I have a younger brother Simon who went to the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst and got commissioned into the Royal Engineers. I did quite well at school, who wouldn’t with parents whose life was education (!) and got a place to read journalism at the University of East Anglia. Graduated in 1997 with a first, but found that most full-time positions needed ‘experience’ – the classic Catch 22!! Wind the clock forward to today and I write regularly for The Derbyshire Times and have a monthly column in the magazine Red!”

“I remember Red. My mother used to buy it: didn’t it launch in the late 90s?”

“Yes. Aimed at the ‘thirty something’ market and now an international brand. Occasionally I contribute to Grazia and have written a number of short stories about local relationship.”

“Why relationships?”

Lisa laughs and thinks. “Probably as I feel I have experienced a lot and not all of that experience was good.”

“This about your coercive relationship with Andrew?”

“You’ve heard that a frog dropped into a beaker of hot water leaps out, but put the frog into a beaker of cold water, gradually heat it up and the frog dies? Coercive behaviour is just like that; someone also compared it to living in a house with a boiler leaking Carbon Monoxide. It’s as dangerous and possibly fatal.

I recognise now that I always go for the posh, broken guy and my heart says I need to fix them. Andrew was like that and, you know Richard, it went on for years and years. We didn’t live together but spent a huge amount of time in each other’s houses. One evening he had a supper party, some of my friends and some of his. Andrew felt very entitled, would ‘love-bomb’ me for weeks then turn and accuse me of sleeping around. Anyway this particular evening he got very jealous of my friends, who were confidently talking about their love of work, bringing me up-to-date, as this conflicted with his own lack of a work-ethic. I could see he was becoming very agitated, which was worrying as he never knew when he should stop drinking.

The party ended after midnight and, as I was loading his dishwasher, he grabbed me by my hair, which was quite a lot longer then, and pulled me upstairs to bed.

“I’m going to teach you a lesson, you cunt, flirting with my friends, avoiding me ….”

And he got out this riding crop and started hitting me. In extremis I can be quite physical so I guess we rolled about on the bed, Andrew trying to hit me, me pushing him off and still trying to reason with him. He would have raped me if he hadn’t had so much to drink and couldn’t get an erection so, in a moment of frustration, he put his knee between my breasts, put both hands around my throat and squeezed. I wriggled free twice but he just pulled me back. Eventually I fled out into the street, bleeding from the wounds inflicted by the riding crop, and bumped into an elderly chap who was walking his terrier. As he put his coat around my shoulders he called the police; I was absolute jelly! Andrew was arrested but, do you know what, I felt really embarrassed and wouldn’t press charges. I now know that’s normal, both of us worried about losing the relationship and he not recognising what he had done.

Since then I have been involved with RISE (note 1) and am undergoing therapy for PTSD.”

“It must be so difficult to have any relationship afterwards, so wary of meeting others, so suspicious! Then you met bankrupt Sami! In India of all places!”

(The story doesn’t end here!)

Richard 19^th May 2023

Hove

www.postcardscribbles.co.uk

Note 1 “RISE is an innovative staff-led mutual that designs and delivers behavioural change programmes and new approaches. Our work can be used in the criminal justice system and community to transform the lives of individuals, families and communities.”

This post is a departure from my more mundane scribbles but I feel it’s vitally important that as many people as possible understand the dangers inherent in the title; share with others if you can. I am not sure when exactly I became aware of something called ‘Sepsis’, as the term was hardly every used in the first part of the last century; it’s sometimes called septicaemia or blood poisoning. But now we talk about all sorts of things and what might have been something that the medical profession would have liked to remain under the radar has become mainstream ….. and we now know its effects can be deadly.

What or where would we be without our blood?

Our heart dispenses around 260 litres every hour, pumped to every organ and through every artery in our bodies, although the kidneys take the most at 20%. The whole cycle is complete in about 50 seconds, about four litres out through the arteries and back through the veins; what hydraulic engineers would called a closed system. (Note 1)

So why should I write about it now? A recent documentary “In Memory of Maude” featured the death of two year old Maude, the daughter of actor Jason Watkins and his wife fashion designer Clara Francis. Maude had had a sore throat and was running a temperature, severe enough to be taken to their GP, then to hospital, but was discharged. The following day they took her back to A&E as she was floppy and extremely pale. She was diagnosed with having croup and again discharged. The following morning she was found dead in her cot by her four year old sister. At no stage was Sepsis mentioned or suspected, but maybe the doctors and nursing staff didn’t really know what to look for? ‘Read, mark and inwardly digest’ the following; it could save your life or the life of someone else:

Signs of Sepsis in adults:

          Slurred speech or confusion

          Extreme shivering or muscle pain

          Passing no urine in a day

          Severe breathlessness

          It feels like you’re dying

          Skin looks mottled

A child may have sepsis if they:

          Are breathing very fast

          Have a seizure

          Look mottled, bluish or pale

          Have a rash that doesn’t fade when pressed

Are very lethargic or difficult to wake

          Feel abnormally cold to touch

To quote: ‘Sepsis is the body’s extreme response to an infection. It is a life-threatening emergency. Sepsis happens when an infection you already have, for example influenza, triggers a chain reaction throughout your body. Infections that lead to sepsis most often start in the lung, urinary tract, skin or gastrointestinal tract.”

Here in the United Kingdom the Sepsis Trust says 48,000 die of sepsis every year. Early intravenous antibiotics are essential; for every hour lost, the risk of death rises by 8%! Nice huh?

A very good friend of my daughter suffered a horrendous car crash some years ago and it left her with physical and mental issues one wouldn’t wish on anyone. Suffice to say she is often diagnosed with Sepsis and rushed to hospital on an infrequent but depressingly regular basis. This was rumbling in the background when I then read of some poor unfortunate obese individual who had joined the trend to have a Gastro Band fitted in Turkey, saving himself many thousands of pounds. Sadly like so many of these ‘on-the-face-of-it-amazing-deals’, the minimal local after-care didn’t pick up that he had got an infection, that turned into Sepsis, and he died. The surgeon had said he’d had a cardiac arrest but a post-mortem revealed internal bleeding!  

My son-in-law Sam was recently told that a friend with whom he had lost contact had had a heart issue which required hospitalisation. Presumably it was serious enough for him to be put into a coma, but somehow bacteria got in, Sepsis got hold of his body and he woke up without his hands and feet. He is in his 40s.

The loss of one’s hands and feet following a bout of Sepsis seems quite common. Septic shock causes small blood clots in the blood vessels, which prevent adequate blood flow to the fingers, hands, arms, toes, feet and legs. Given that our blood carries vital oxygen and nutrients, tissues deprived of these begin to die.

Now I come to a news story the nub of which constantly reverberates around my brain. A white woman had developed sepsis after a urinary tract infection, relapsed into a coma for nine weeks, and had both her hands and feet amputated. Makes you realise how infections can have such tragic consequences. Kim Smith obviously imagined that our healthcare system would respond by outlining her options, either with the provision of prosthetic hands and feet or with some transplanted ones. The whole issue is frankly distressing for those of us not faced with these choices, but in her case it got worse. She had been accepted as suitable for having a double hand transplant but the search for donor hands was proving quite difficult. According to the article she was offered either a pair of male hands or those of a black female. I have read this a number of times, but still can’t get my mind around the emotional impact of the initial need and then the offered solution.

I type these scribbles using fingers attached to my white hands and try to imagine if I had been in Kim’s situation, what I might have found acceptable. Reminds me a little of ‘Sophie’s Choice’ ……… (Note 2)

Richard 12^th May 2023

Hove

http://www.postcardscribbles.co.uk

PS In 1863 the British surgeon and anatomist Joseph Green was finding his pulse. “Stopped!” he announced and promptly died.

Note 1 The Body: A Guide for Occupants by Bill Bryson

Note 2 Sophie’s Choice is a novel by William Styron and a 1982 film. Sophie is asked by a Nazi concentration camp officer to choose between her daughter and son; the one not chosen will go straight to the gas chamber.

…….. “Sorry Mo! Needs must! Now, where was I?”

“In the Brighton Dome! Hasn’t it been an entertainment venue for a couple of hundred years?”

“Yes, amazing really. Seemingly the Prince of Wales, later King George IV, wanted a bigger and better stable block for his horses and commissioned the building of the Brighton Dome. It took five years and £54,000, a small fortune by the time it was finished in 1808. Over its lifetime it’s been riding stables, a place of protest and solidarity for the Suffragettes, a World War One dance hall, a temporary hospital in World War Two and even a roller skating rink. Today, inter alia, it’s the organisational hub of the annual Brighton Festival in May.”

“Great place to have in the city, especially with that history! What else’s being going on?”

                    “I know you read most of my scribbles so you may recall in PC 328, ‘Random, Fate and Consequences’, I wrote that ‘He who hesitates is lost’ is one of the Christian Proverbs – Proverbs 3 Verse 2.’.”

                    “Yeah, I really enjoyed that PC and have thought about buying one of those Ottolenghi pieces of pottery.”

                    “Celina and I have kept in touch with a Dianne & Tim Tinnes from San Francisco, with whom we shared canoes during our Pantanal trip in 2014 (See PC 20). Tim reads my postcards and occasionally comments. He couldn’t find Proverbs 3 and additionally asked: “Why say Christian when there is no Christian ie New Testament bible book called Proverbs!” I live and learn!

Off to find a sandbank to have breakfast on, in the River Negro

Firstly in my mind I think of the Bible as a complete book, both Old (OT) and New Testaments ….. but now see the error of my labelling, as the New Testament is the only Christian part. I live and learn! I told him I had Googled ‘He who hesitates ……’, got Proverbs 3/2 and assumed it referred to the Book of Proverbs in the OT. This morning I lifted one of my physical books of reference, The Dictionary of Quotations and Proverbs, off the shelf and looked up ‘He who hesitates …..’.  No ‘proverb’ exists!”

“Oooh!” says Mo, “that’s going to be on my ‘To Do’ list this week, to find out more.”

Out of the corner of my eye I notice Sami coming through the door, and lift my arm in recognition. He comes over and I introduce him to Mo.

“Where’s Lisa this week Sami?’

“Ah! She gone back to Derbyshire for a few days; think she had an important assignment to complete and she didn’t need me as a distraction! I read your postcard about the Year of the Rabbit (PC 331) and that encouraged me to watch David Attenborough’s Wild Isles programme, but I’ve only seen the first two episodes.”

“So you haven’t seen what I call ‘The Trojan Horse’ episode?”

“Not yet! Tell me …..”says Sami and Mo cries: “Yes please!”

“An absolutely fascinating story concerning the early life of the Large Blue butterfly. It became extinct in Britain in 1979, largely as a result of the huge decrease in the rabbit population due to Myxomatosis which changed its habitat; a great example of the co-dependences across the natural world. Now through careful land management it’s making a comeback. I am no lepidopterist but this tale could easily have been the instigator for the Wooden Horse at the gates of Troy! Let me explain.

The eggs of the Large Blue are often laid on plants such as Wild Thyme and fall down to soil level as they develop into little caterpillars. Along comes the Red Ant, which just loves eating caterpillars; in the TV series this needs some very dramatic background music!! Knowledge is key and the Large Blue caterpillar secretes some honey dew onto its back, inflates its body and as the air escapes, the sound is like the distress call of a Queen Red ant. The Red worker ant instinctively pulls the caterpillar into the safety of its nest (cf The Trojan Horse?) where, over a six month period, the caterpillar eats all the ant larvae and grows to be one hundred times its original size!

The butterfly emerges ….

The larva develops into a chrysalis from whence eventually the Large Blue butterfly emerges. Wildlife programmes rely on great photography and patience, a good commentary and appropriate music. Turn off the audio and you might imagine you are watching something very different. However in this particular case, just so believable and utterly Trojan Horse-ish!”

“That is unbelievable! Good old Mother Nature. By the way” says Sami “have you been to The Salt Room on Kingsway? Lisa and I are thinking of going but it’s got mixed reviews.”

“That’s always the case; everyone’s expectations are different, don’t you think? Funnily enough I went on a Sunday evening a couple of weeks ago, as a guest of someone who had been to the Goodwood Revival.”

“And was it good?”

“Well, one starter caught my eye: ‘Wild Argentinian Red Prawns – cooked over coal, with Pil Pil sauce and Chive Oil (Price per prawn £3!)’.  Being a guest I got a bit stuck when the waiter asked: ‘How many would you like, sir?’ I had no idea what size an Argentinian Red Prawn was, so was 2 too much or should I ask for 3 or 4? Decided to play safe and instead ordered the ‘coal-roasted scallops with chorizo crumb, coral beurre blanc and purple basil’, which were delicious.

The uncertainty about the number of prawns reminded me of going to a fish restaurant in Tavistock Street, just up from The Strand in central London. I ordered ‘Grilled Sardines on a bed of blah blah’. When my plate arrived I was slightly surprised to find ONE, just effing ONE.’ (note 1)”

Mo and Sami laughed out loud and we settled in for more inconsequential chat …… until Libby came over and suggested we play our part in reducing the loneliness of others!

Richard 5^th May 2023

Hove

www.postcardscribbles.co.uk

PS In some television programme that was inadvertently on one evening, an English woman was trying to identify Romania. “It’s near Turkey inn’t? No! No! That’s not right; Turkey’s in Africa.” God help us all!

Note 1 I wrote and complained …. and got a free meal a month later!