These scribbles may, I suspect, be more interesting to my male readers than those of other genders but who knows, living in the alphabet-soup of today’s options!

In August 2015 I scribbled about Loo Paper (PC 47) which attracted some delightful reminiscences but was probably ‘placed or arranged the opposite way to the way it should have been’ ie ‘arse about face’ – as subsequently I was prompted to write about The Loo (PC 54 November 2015) and the delightful Mr Crapper.

I can guarantee that if you are a living mammal you urinate! Mammals, for clarity, are ‘warm-blooded vertebrate animals that are distinguished by the possession of hair or fur, females that secrete milk for the nourishment of their young and typically the birth of live young! There are seven sub-groups of mammals, of which one, ‘Primates’, covers us humans.

Having a pee is something no one can do for you, although if you’re a very young boy and not really able to hold your penis and, more importantly, aim it into the loo, then some parental help may be necessary. I will not comment on what happens when you’re very old! Urine is extremely corrosive – you can see the result of dogs urinating up against a lamppost, how the bottom gets rusty, unless you have them coated or covered. If you are of a certain age (Note1) you may remember the Avocado bathroom suite with its matching bath mat and mat around the base of the loo? The latter needed regular washing if there were males in the house.   

I remain fascinated by what can only be described as coincidences and have written about them in these scribbles many times. It was almost a coincidence that Facebook posted a photograph of Sean Connery and Ursula Andress from the film Doctor No (see PC 349 ‘Coincidence? Nah! Big Brother’ August 2023) as I had seen the exact photograph in a hotel corridor not thirty minutes before. Now I believe that, however spooky it is, algorithms follow me everywhere!

So it is extremely odd that, on Monday this week, I saw this photograph on Facebook and yet hadn’t posted anything about loos (ie this postcard was only 70% complete). How very appropriate and how very coincidental! I have always ‘stood up’ to pee and, much like swearing allegiance to the King and queuing, standing up to take a pee is apparently a British tradition, but it isn’t one that’s shared by other countries around the world. According to data collected by YouGov, only 9% of British men prefer to sit down for a pee, (Note 2) compared with 40% of German men; in Japan, that land of strange habits, a whopping 70% of Japanese men put their backsides on the pan!

Studies suggest that it pays to take a seat when you pee. Researchers from the department of urology at Leiden University Medical Centre (Note 3) found that men who sat down to pee were able to empty their bladders faster and more effectively. That’s because when you stand, you activate muscles in your pelvis and spine, but they’re completely relaxed when you sit. Sitting down to pee obviously helps with aim issues and is ‘a better option for men with prostate conditions or men who just can’t stand up for a long time,’ says Dr Jesse Mills, Associate Clinical Professor at the UCLA Department of Urology.

One of the worst situations for having a pee is on a lurching yacht in foul weather, when it’s raining and the deck is constantly covered in salt water spray. You need to grab onto a stay or life rail, unzip your oilskins and find ‘it’ – probably shrivelled due to the cold and wet – relax and let it go – and ignore the involuntary dribbles.

Going to the loo on an aeroplane has its own challenges. How often have we thought I’m just going to have a pee and at that same instant the drinks’ trolley is wheeled into the aisle, effectively blocking it, or the seat belt sign comes on as the pilot identifies some turbulence ahead? Or you stand outside an engaged loo and wonder why the occupier is taking so long …. and all sorts of strange ideas come to mind!

Flying back from Portugal last month, at 30,000ft I popped to the loo and wondered how one has a pee in the Embraer E190 (Note 4)? Unless you’re only 1.6m tall and not carrying too much weight, the space is tiny.

I enter the loo …. and my head hits the bulkhead ….. to get close to the pan standing up I need to bend my knees, so it’s a good thing I regularly practise Awkward Pose in the Hatha Yoga series …. this is NOT me!

 …. but this is not a position that encourages the natural flow of things! Waiting for it to work my thighs begin to feel the effort …. the lurching aeroplane doesn’t help …. and just as I’m wondering whether it would have been better to sit down at the beginning…… a dribble starts …. so I need to be patient …… hope the seat belt sign does not illuminate …. and finally I finish, with a huge sigh of relief.

And I am told it gets worse with age ….

Richard 20^th October 2023

Hove

www.postcardscribbles.co.uk

PS Recently I bought some denim dungarees ….. and immediately understand I need to almost completely undress to get ‘it’ out. My female readers will probably think: “So?” whereas other males who undo their belt and loosen their trousers will wonder what the fuss is!

Note 1 A chum here in Hove lives in his now deceased mother’s house, complete with a 1970s pink bathroom suite ….. including the loo mat and pink wall tiles.

Note 2 That figure might change if asked about peeing in the middle of the night!

Note 3 Leiden in Holland has the country’s oldest university and is the birthplace of Rembrandt (1606 – 1669)

Note 4 This 100-seat aeroplane, comparable with the Airbus A220 and known as the Cityhopper, is made by Embraer of Brazil.