It seemed apposite that the reviews of the latest production by British film director Ridley Scott, ‘Napoleon’, feature among other facts that Boney suffered from piles (aka haemorrhoids) and you will read more later. Interviewed by Jonathan Dean of The Sunday Times, Scott says he became obsessed with the fact that Napoleon had piles. “I believe the 1812 failed invasion of Russia could have been different if the man in charge had not had haemorrhoids. It’s like having a migraine up your butt and difficult to cope with if you spend a long time on horseback!”  

If, having read this paragraph, you feel reading about medical matters and medical decluttering is not for you ie TMI (?), stop and pick up my postcards next week. But I have just had enough of medical decluttering and I wanted to publicly reflect on my own medical journey, as bits fall off as we age, and some of us have lost more bits than others!

We start losing our primary teeth, those that pushed through the gums and were completely formed by 3, around 6 years old, although the second molars may not appear until early teens. It used to be that a sixpence was placed under your pillow when you lost a tooth to pay the Tooth Fairy, but that was pre-decimal coinage and now it’s about £5 per tooth! About two months ago I broke a piece off a wisdom tooth and it had to be removed. Do I feel any less wise? Never very wise in the first place maybe!

There is a constant decluttering of stuff the body doesn’t need and we don’t even appreciate it goes on. Did you know that you lose about half a kilo of the outermost layer of our skin, the epidermis which consists entirely of dead cells, over the course of a year? That translates to 25,000 flakes a minute; within

one month the outermost layer is completely renewed, albeit with dead cells! The average age of a body cell is 7 years but this is not the same as saying your body’s completely renewed after that time! Whilst memory cells in your brain are constantly changing, half of your heart cells remain with you all your life; red blood cells last about four months, but the core lens in your eye remains the same for your lifetime. Just as well as I had my first cataract removed yesterday!

Tonsils, those lymph nodes in the back of the mouth and top of the throat that help filter bacteria, are often removed early in life, especially if the individual gets a lot of tonsilitis. For some reason I kept mine until my 30^th birthday.

Another part of the body that’s routinely removed is the appendix, a small pouch that’s connected to the large intestine. Nobody seems to know why we have one! Mine became inflamed some seventeen years ago, became acute and was removed. I am reminded of one of Gary Larsen’s great cartoons of a hospital’s operating theatre.

Fluids like blood, mucus, breath and sweat regularly leave our bodies and most of the time we don’t notice.

Our hair grows about a centimetre a month and we have it cut regularly. Fingernails grow about 3.5cms a month but most individuals trim theirs before they become too long. Never quite understand how you cope with everyday life if you have nail extensions that are a centimetre or more long.

A little extreme?

I have been a sun-worshiper since my teenage years, certainly before the link between sun exposure and skin cancer became widely known. And I still am, although I take care, use screening lotions and doing a visual skin check. Two years ago I noticed a black mole on my flank and had it checked by my GP, who determined it was nothing to worry about. My recent review by a private doctor, who had more time than my harassed NHS one, covered a number of niggling issues but he noticed my black mole. “Think you need to get this checked out.” Fortunately within three hundred metres of home there’s The Hove Skin Clinic and the following lunchtime I saw Dr Bav Shergill. Thirty minutes later I am sewn up, without my black mole which went off to be scrutinised. One week later I get the results of the biopsy, a malignant Melanoma ‘in situ’ which I was told could be removed and 100% no need for further treatments. Phew! The hole was bigger this time; more medical decluttering!        

And while I am writing about cutting bits off, I am looking forward to a surgeon removing my growing lipoma on my upper arm; it could be mistaken for a deltoid or bicep but then anatomy is not everyone’s strong suit. Nothing to worry about, I am assured, just a fatty lump; often they just grow on their own, without the need to interact with the body’s blood supply. I am already thinking Sigourney Weaver’s ‘Alien’ as I scribble this. When it comes out in February maybe I should put it on then mantlepiece, as it’s about the size of a lemon!!  

Haemorrhoids, those things that Napoleon suffered from, are not a topic for a dinner party conversation, or in fact any chat apart from with those you live with and your GP, but they are exceedingly common. I was catching up with a chum on Weymouth recently and he admitted he had had to have his dealt with ….. just as I will mine next month. In the back of my mind I hear the comic Les Dawson talking about his mother-in-law’s piles …… and everyone’s laughing. I assure you that’s not an emotion I feel at the moment.

In 2013 my heart bypass used a large vein from my left leg, about 1metre long. My heart’s about the size of a fist! What happened to the surplus lengths?

Decluttering? I should coco.

Richard 22^nd December 2023

Hove

www.postcardscribbles.co.uk

PS To all the readers of my scribbles, I really hope you have a wonderful Christmas and all you need in 2024.

PPS I learned a new insurance term the other day: ‘+/-’ You might think the symbols contradictory but ‘plus’ or ‘minus’ means a possibility in insurance speak.   

Note 1 The Latin word ‘pila’ can be roughly translated as ‘balls’ and often haemorrhoids look like small round balls.