For those of a certain age, the title should immediately take you back to the early sixties and Roy Orbison’s hit song and its lyrics: ‘Only the lonely, know the way I feel tonight; Only the Lonely, know this feeling ain’t right.’ Or, taking the last word of the title, Justin Bieber’s 2021 hit ‘Lonely’. Mud had a 1975 hit single ‘Lonely This Christmas’, about a relationship breakdown at a time of family get-togethers.
My dictionary defines ‘lonely’ as ‘solitary, companionless, isolated.’ Not to be confused with ‘alone’ – standing by oneself.
“What are you writing about?” asks Francisquinha, looking over my shoulder.
Francisquinha – read PCs 172 and 217 for more understanding
“Well. I was thinking about scribbling ….”
“I like that word, scribbling, gives a sense of free-flowing thoughts!”
“Thank you; probably about right! Anyway, I was drafting some thoughts about friends, family and that sort of stuff …..”
“I know I’m very much ‘family’, but I’m not sure about George.”
“Ah! Yes! George, the bear given to you by the staff of the George Hotel in Christchurch. To add to the bear given to you by the crew on our Singapore Airlines flight, and the stuffed little lamb from the manager of the Sofitel Viaduct hotel in Auckland. Weren’t you spoilt? But you’ve kept George?”
“I have. I had a choice and something gelled with him and me; choosing who your friends are is so important. In the back of my mind, I know I have a family who live in The Warren but that doesn’t make them friends, just because they are kith and kin. I sense he’s going to be a good friend but not sure what really makes a ‘good friend’. What do you think?”
“It must start with mutual attraction, and this could be physical or mental, shared or even contrasting interests, possibly shared experiences and background. You need to be able to trust someone, for without trust there’s nothing. It may be anecdotal now, but there was that initial exercise individuals attending a Family Institute course did on the first evening: ‘Without speaking, pair up with someone else.’ Once everyone had paired up, well 99% of them because there’s always someone who can’t, for some deep-seated reason, they were asked to discover why you were attracted, one to the other. Shared backgrounds trigger a feeling of attraction without any conscious awareness, just as an unconscious bias and filtering colour our preference for people we might be familiar with.”
“Are we friends?”
“What, you and Celina and me?
“Yes! I have been with you for many years; you take me on all your adventure, I have my own passport, but you often talk about me behind my back.”
“Bit unfair! Think we both wonder what you would have said, how you would have behaved, given certain criteria and given that you’re a fluffy rabbit. And we value your contribution to our love and friendship, often offering a nicely nuanced opinion.”
“I guess to be a real friend you need to be able to accept someone for who they are, not what you would like them to be!”
“Now that is often the nub of the issue, acceptance, allowing others to be who they want to be. Here in Brighton & Hove there are countless examples of individuals feeling comfortable in their own skin, feeling unconsciously accepted by everyone. One major issue, Francisquinha, is that we often, almost certainly, change over our lifetime and sometimes our friends don’t respect our decisions and choices and one wonders whether they remain a real friend.”
“You have an example?”
“Actually, I do! You know I got addicted to Hot Yoga, so much so that it’s part of who I am, what I do, what Celina and I do. I love the mental and physical challenge, although I appreciate it’s not for everyone. Someone who was a good friend has often asked, in a snide and derisory manner: ‘Still doing your yoga?’. So, I question that ‘real’ friendship.”
“Can we, you and me, be friends for life?”
“Oh! Yes. One of the things we love about you is that you listen and that’s such an important part of being a friend. When people want you to listen, they want you to listen to what they’re saying, patiently, not for you to second guess what they might say. Sometimes people are more interested in speaking than listening, looking into their own memory bank to match your experience, your situation. To fully process what’s being said, you need to listen, and listen good. That’s another attribute of a good friend.”
“George told me he was lonely before he came to stay with me, I mean us.”
“And now?”
“Well, he’s always liked being alone, happy with his own company, but he now appreciates he was also lonely.”
“Loneliness is a huge issue for human society, particularly when individuals haven’t made or kept long-term friendships, not making the continual effort that these require. Real loneliness can lead to a gradual reduction in how one takes care of oneself, the ‘why bother?’, and fortunately in the UK this is being recognised by the NHS. The new term is a ‘Social Prescription’, which helps to connect people to community groups and services, to meet social, emotional and practical needs that affect their health and well-being. Instead of medication, the links help a person to find groups like art classes, walking groups or gardening clubs for instance. These are particularly beneficial for those with loneliness, long term health conditions or complex social needs, aiming to improve overall health and therefore reduce pressure on the NHS.”
“You were reading an article the other day about how schools and residential homes for the elderly were coming together to encourage higher standards of reading.”
“Indeed. That seems a Win -Win, relieving aspects of potential loneliness in the elderly and improving children’s reading ability.”
“Would you drop everything for a friend in need?”
“Genuine need? Of course. That’s what friends are for!”
“I have one final question: “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”
“Ah! Yes. The one and only Tina Turner. What indeed?”
Richard 4th December 2025
Hove
www.postcardscribbles.co.uk
PS Posted on Thursday 4th as am under the knife tomorrow, Friday!
postcards 