In PC 485 ‘Live more? Live less?’ I hoped I got across the idea that we should be striving to do more than just existing. The more I thought about it, the more I recognised that there is a dreadful condition, that of ‘being a victim’; this might stop someone from fulfilling their capabilities and expectations, living more, loving more.
Without doubt, in our lives we will all experience some form of hardship, disappointment, loss, often due to external circumstances or the actions of others. While the initial event may not be your fault, you may feel the victim, and start complaining, shifting accountability to others. Don’t let this ‘victim mentality’ linger. Understanding the psychology behind this mindset is the first step toward regaining control. It often develops as an unconscious defence mechanism, to protect oneself after experiencing adversity.
Various ideas to get out of this mentality include acknowledging the areas of your life where you do have control and focusing on problem-solving rather than complaining. Whatever happened in the past, is in the past. Uncoupling those events from your current sense of unhappiness and self-worth can allow you to live and love more, today!
On the Sunday before we flew to South America in mid-April, I was walking to Rahmi’s 7-11, to exchange my Sunday Times coupon for an actual paper, and passed Hixon Green, a ‘café with food’, on Church Road. Sitting at one of the outside tables, enjoying the weak Spring sunshine, was a chap who’d recently bought one of the twelve apartments in Amber House. Tom waved and I went to say ‘hello’; he introduced me to his friend Ricky, who was enjoying a glass of Coke. Tom started telling Ricky I practised hot yoga a lot – ‘Six days a week, Tom’, I interjected – and Ricky said: ‘I should start doing something like that, shouldn’t I?’ (Was this a question to me or to himself?)
“Absolutely” I said. “Let me know and you can come as my guest for your first session. How old are you?”
“Forty-three. But listen, I really don’t have time for that.”
Always difficult, to allocate one’s time to all those things you think important, be it work, one’s family, staying in touch with friends, indulging in a passion like singing, playing golf, or going to the gym for example. Many years ago, a CEO client said he didn’t have time to learn a language he wanted to be proficient at. He then admitted he didn’t get up until 0730! I suggested he could fit in an hour of study if he got up earlier; he later called that precious extra time ‘Yates’s Hour’.
I am a lark, preferring to be, as Private Godfrey from Dad’s Army often exclaimed, ‘Up and at ‘em’, early, although he was suggesting tackling the enemy head-on! Maybe the analogy works for taking on the day’s challenges?
“There is a time in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of one’s life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea am I now afloat, and I must take the current when it serves or lose my venture”. Brutus in Shakespeare’s ‘Julius Caesar’ obviously believed in living and loving more.
At around the same time as I learned that the nephew of our masseuse had died aged 39 from a heart attack, I read that here in the United Kingdom the span of our lives when we might expect to be healthy has declined over ten years to just 60 years. The headline is disturbing, but how the Health Foundation came to the conclusion suggests we should take the result with … a pinch of salt? Firstly, their population sample went from 170,000 households to 80,000 and covered a three-year period (2022-2024) so, as well as being smaller, may well have been affected by the tail-end of the pandemic. Secondly, there was a marked deterioration among young adults, from 91% to 84% reporting good health, the recent focus on ‘mental health’ being a major factor, whereas older women reported being much healthier.
As Mark Twain wrote in his autobiography, mistakenly attributing it to Benjamin Disraeli’: ‘There are three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies and statistics’!! More likely we’ll have some 68 years of healthy life, and not something forecast by a small tick box survey.
I have mentioned the victim mentality as I have personal knowledge of one such person. Through the generosity of others, they’ve been looked after, fed, watered and housed, whilst making no discernible effort to get off their butt and start taking responsibility for themselves. Love can be complicated, but sometimes a dose of ‘tough love’ is needed.
My fellow yogi Ian calls a spade a spade and not a shovel: “We all need to dare to …. but we accept we get knocked back …. and then you need to pick yourself up, and start again! The accusation this is ‘bad for my mental health’ is bollocks; it’s exactly the opposite.”
Shakespeare, the great observer, wrote these opening lines for Macbeth:
“Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”
The co-owner of our hot yoga studio teaches a lot and adds her own take on life to the traditional dialogue. The other day she said the practice of hot yoga ‘prepares one for one’s future’. My own thoughts are that you need to live, truly live, now and not wait for ‘your future’ to arrive. And that at my age I truly believe my ‘future’ has arrived, like NOW. Make sure your life is full of love and fun and don’t ever be a victim; well, not for too long!
Richard 24th July 2026
Hove
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